To love and win is the best thing
by blowflylaura
Summary: To love and win is the best thing, to love and lose, the next best. Unrequited love sucks.


_Here's a little one-shot I came up with. I was going to leave it until tomorrow but I wanted to finish it so I've put off going to bed so if it's bit rubbish that will be why. I do apologise if it's rubbish and if it seems a bit rushed but I wanted to get something written. It's not a happy fic, I can't seem to write happy fics. Anyway I hope you all enjoy it. Also I wanted to say thank you to all the comments I've received on my other fics, I really do appreciate them all. The title is a quote from William M. Thackeray._

I know everything about her from her favourite food to her favourite memory. I know every member of her family like they're a part of my own. I know what she's going to order in restaurants before she does it. She always orders the same thing despite constantly saying she's going to try something new. I know that she gets unimaginable period pains and she likes somebody to rub her stomach because she says it soothes the pain. I have spent hours doing that for her because it kills me to see her in pain. I can tell from her facial expression how she is really feeling. I can tell whether she's pretending to be happy or whether she's hiding her true feelings.

She's never been able to hide anything from me. I know her too well.

I know that her wedding had been how she'd always dreamed. She wore a white dress and her father gave her away. All her friends and family were there to witness her marry the love of her life. The big white wedding had always been her dream.

I know all those things and countless more. I know them because I'm one of the most important people in her life. I'm lucky to be a part of her life but I'm not in it the way I want to be.

Her wedding may have been what she'd always wanted but what I wanted was to be the person standing beside her instead of her husband. I've been in love with her since we were teenagers. I know that sounds soppy and cliché; like a bad romantic movie but it's true. I wanted to be with her but she wasn't gay. When I came out to her she told me it didn't matter, told me that she still loved me just the same. But I didn't want that response. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me more, that she had feelings for me and now she knew I was gay, we could be together.

But that never happened.

She has always been open about her sexuality and stated that she was straight but open to the idea of being with a girl. She told me that she didn't believe you fell for the person because of what they were but because of who they were. That little nugget of information gave me hope. Maybe someday I'd be lucky enough to have her. Maybe a relationship was possible.

The first time she kissed me I got butterflies. I had been getting unwanted attention from some guy in a club and telling him I was gay didn't seem to put him off. He wanted proof. Before I knew it she was kissing me. The kiss must have only lasted a few seconds but it was long enough for me to realise that my feelings for her were real. I didn't just have them because she was my best friend; I was actually in love with her. She entwined our fingers before telling the guy to back away from her girlfriend. Hearing her call me her girlfriend, albeit not properly, made my heart swell. I wanted to be her girlfriend.

When I'm drunk I constantly tell her I love her but she just thinks I'm being affectionate. She doesn't understand that I'm being a hundred per cent truthful. They do say that when drunk you're more likely to say what you actually think because alcohol strips away your inhibitions and tears down your walls but clearly she doesn't believe that or she hasn't heard it.

I have contemplated telling her several times but each time I chickened out because I was petrified of how she'd react. I didn't want to make things awkward; I'd rather have her in my life as a friend then not at all. On her 18th birthday I decided that I would confess to how I felt about her. I wasn't going to be afraid anymore; I would just come out and tell her the truth because I couldn't keep living this lie. I was sick of it. However that was the day she told me she had feelings for somebody. A small patter of hope rose in my chest before it was crushed as she told me she was dating some guy called William. They had met through mutual friends and had already been on a few dates. I never got to tell her my feelings instead I insisted that I was happy for her.

Part of me hoped that her relationship with William wouldn't last. I know that makes me an awful friend, an awful person but it's true. I just waited patiently for the day where she told me she was single again and the cliché that most women say after a break-up, I'm off men. I had the entire scenario in my head, she'd come to me crying and I would comfort her. I would tell her that she was better off without him and she deserved so much better. Then when she felt better I would tell her how I felt. And we would live happily ever after. But that day never came. In fact over time she just became happier with William and I was left to watch from the side lines as she lived her life.

Unrequited love is a complete and utter bitch.

I was at her surprise birthday party when William proposed to her. I watched her face brighten as a smile grew across it. That was the moment I realised how happy she was. I had no right to disrupt that happiness. When he proposed and she screamed yes before jumping into his arms, I decided that I wasn't going to tell her how I felt. She deserved all the happiness in the world and he made her happy. I wasn't going to intervene.

So when she introduced me to one of her work colleagues and asked me to give her a go, I said yes. Maybe dating somebody else would subdue my feelings for her, maybe they'd disappear altogether. Maybe the only reason that I was so infatuated with her was simply due to the fact that I hadn't really allowed myself to have feelings for somebody else. In my eyes nobody could compete with her but maybe I'd put her on a pedestal, one that was too high for anybody else to even come close. Maybe I needed to knock that pedestal down and give somebody else a chance. So I did but my feelings for her didn't dissolve and as a result my relationships never lasted long. I was so blinded by how I felt about her that I couldn't even fathom the idea of having feelings for somebody else, of falling in love with somebody else.

When she asked to be her maid of honour, I said yes without hesitation. I mean we had always been best friends and therefore we had agreed to be each other's maid of honour when we were little. But saying you'll be it and actually being it are two different things and I discovered that being her maid of honour was a harder task than I ever thought imaginable. I had to watch as she organised her hen party, her wedding and her future life with him. I had to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that my heart wasn't breaking at the thought of her marrying him, at the thought of her being his wife.

Don't get me wrong, William is a lovely man. He's benevolent, sweet, and the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome. He's probably any girl's dream guy and he treats her like a queen which is what she deserves. I wish I could pick out his faults and describe him as this awful man who is stealing the love of my life away from me but I can't because in hindsight he is the complete opposite. But I still can't like him because he gets to share his life with her and I will always be envious of him for that.

Being her maid of honour was torturous from the start but the hardest day was when she tried on her wedding dress.

I knew from the moment she entered the changing room that I was in trouble. I was about to see her in her wedding dress, something which is so sacred and special that even your betrothed isn't supposed to see you until you walk down the aisle. The dress is kept secret so that the person at the altar will be bowled over by how beautiful the bride looks. When she emerged I felt my breath hitch. To this day I don't think she has ever looked more beautiful than she did the first time I saw her in that dress. As she stood in front of me nervously awaiting my approval, I raked my eyes over her entire body. I took in every detail of the dress from the way it clung to her curves to the train which fell behind her and I told her she looked beautiful. I played the dutiful maid of honour and showered her with compliments when all I really wanted to do was rip the dress off her and make her mine. When she asked me whether William would like it, a shooting pain filled my chest at the thought of him being the person who ripped the dress off her. I told her that he would be a complete and utter idiot if he didn't because she looked stunning.

I didn't tell her that because it was what she wanted to hear, I told her that because I meant it and she deserved to hear how beautiful she looked.

At her bridal shower, she introduced me to another one of her friends after telling me that she wanted me to be happy with somebody. She wanted me to be as happy as she was. The fact that she was happy gave me some comfort.

But I wanted to try and move on from her so when her friend asked me out, I agreed. She was certainly very pretty and her personality shone through, that was what really made me agree to the date. They both had similar personalities. After a few dates we became a couple and she was actually my date to the wedding.

At her hen party, she drank a copious amount of alcohol and like me, she becomes very affectionate when drunk, because my life isn't hard enough already, I have to sit back whilst she places kisses on my cheek and cuddles me constantly telling me she loves me and would be lost without me. She told me everything I wanted to hear but I knew she didn't mean it in the way I wanted her to.

But that night something different happened. She did her usual actions and told me the usual things but when she told me she loved me, she looked directly into my eyes almost as if she was trying to tell me something. But before I could do anything she was dancing away towards the stripper screaming frantically and excitedly. I've never forgotten that but I suppose after years of loving her, I would take anything and turn it into something bigger than it actually was.

I felt my heart break as I watched her walk down the aisle towards him. She really did look beautiful in that dress. I stole a glance at William and his face said everything. The smile plastered on his face told me that he thought she looked beautiful too. I knew that he loved her indisputably and he was good to her but I wanted to be where he was standing. I wanted to say those vows. They were doing the generic vows but if I was marrying her, I'd have written my own. The traditional vows don't convey how I feel about her.

At the reception, I danced with Katie, my date and William told us we made a cute couple. I grimaced at his words but bit my tongue and politely muttered thank you. Instead of focusing on Katie, I watched from afar as they had their first dance. The smile never left her face. Whenever Katie kissed me, I didn't feel those butterflies. I longed for that feeling again but I knew that only one person could give me them.

I've never really wanted anything that I couldn't have before until I met her. She is the only woman I could never have yet I want her more than anybody else in the world.

Their wedding was two years ago and every time I see her, she gushes about how happy she is, how happy William makes her. I'm still playing the best friend, perfectly may I add. I congratulate her on her promotion and when she needs to vent, I allow her to bend my ear. Every time that happens, internally I do a little happy dance that they've had a row. I mean don't get me wrong, I know that just because a couple rows every now and again doesn't mean they're stability is weakening but I am glad that they're not the perfect couple with no arguments.

Two days ago she told me that they were thinking about having children. And for me, that was the straw which broke the camel's back. I couldn't stomach the thought of her having a family with somebody other than me. I wouldn't be a mum to her kids, I'd be a glorified aunt, maybe even the godmother but that wasn't good enough. So for the first time in my life I didn't play the doting best friend, instead I ran away, ignoring her shouts.

I ignored her calls and texts for the next two days but as my mum used to always say, you can't avoid something for ever; it will always find a way of coming back to you and sure enough she didn't let up. Now she's standing on my doorstep, a confused expression filling her face.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I've just been busy." It was a pathetic excuse and we both knew it.

She scoffed at my answer before pushing past me and into my flat. "I tell you William and I are thinking about having children and you react by running away and then you won't answer my calls or texts. Did I do something wrong?"

She had a crinkle at the top of her nose as she looked at me. "No of course you didn't."

"Then I don't understand."

"You wouldn't." I muttered the words under my breath but it was loud enough for her to hear.

"Then tell me because right now I am totally confused."

"I just can't play the doting best friend anymore." I said, continuing before she had a chance to speak. "I'm sorry, I thought I could do this but it's just too hard."

She shook her head and closed her eyes slightly before opening them again. "I really don't understand what's going on. What's too hard?"

"Being your friend."

My voice was getting increasingly louder and I knew that I was close to spilling my secrets too her. I wanted to keep it locked inside but I couldn't, seeing her upset and worried made it too hard for me. Maybe if she knew the truth everything would be so much easier. Maybe she might feel the same way.

It's a long shot but any shot is a good one right?

"We've been friends for years."

"I know and it's been hard every year and I've dealt with it but the thought of you having kids with him, it's just too much. I just can't cope anymore." I could feel the tears which resided in my eyes, threatening to spill over before I blinked them away. I didn't want her to see me cry.

Her face still held a confused expression. "You're going to have to do some more explaining."

"Is it not obvious?" I asked, genuinely surprised that she never had any inkling of my feelings for her. "Do you not have any idea?"

"Any idea about what?"

"I'm in love with you Sian!"

I covered my mouth with my hand as soon as the words spilt out but it was too late. They were out there. She finally knew how I felt about her and I couldn't take those words back. Sian's eyes widened at my confession.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Sian asked when she found her ability to speak once more.

"Do you see me laughing?"

Sian rubbed her eyes with her hand. "I'm sorry; I just…where did that come from?"

"It didn't come from anywhere." I explained. "I've always been in love with you."

"What…" She scrunched her nose up. "When…" She kept opening and closing her mouth, occasionally voicing a one word question before silencing once more. "Why did you never tell me?"

"I was going to." I admitted. "On your 18th birthday I was going to tell you that I had feelings for you but you told me you were dating William."

"You've had feelings for me for that long?" Her voice held genuine surprise and I nodded in response. "I'm 26 Sophie, you've had ten years to tell me how you feel, you could have done it any time."

I shook my head and bit down on my bottom lip. "You are so happy with William, who am I to jeopardise your happiness?"

"So you jeopardised yours instead."

"Come on Sian, are you seriously telling me that if I'd confessed to you about how I felt you'd have reciprocated those feelings?"

Sian ducked her head momentarily before meeting my gaze. "You're my best friend Soph."

"Yeah…but nothing more right?"

"Sophie…"

I held my hand up in protest. "You don't need to explain, I know you don't feel the same for me as I do for you. I've always known that." I said.

"If you've been content to keep this secret for so long, then why tell me now?" She asked. "Why give me that information? What do you expect me to do with it?"

"I can't deal with the thought of you having kids with him." I explained. "And you weren't going to let it drop unless I told you the truth so I told you."

"But you dated Katie for over a year."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I loved her but I was never in love with her. Not really. That's why we broke up."

"Why would you agree to date her if you were in love with somebody else?"

"Because I couldn't have you!" My voice was a lot louder now. "I wanted to be in love with somebody else, anybody else but I can't help the fact that I'm in love with you."

Sian covered her face with her hands. "I'm not leaving William."

I could feel the tears re-appearing in my eyes. "I didn't ask you to." Her eyes darted towards the door and I knew she was getting uncomfortable with the entire situation. Like I said, I knew everything about her. "Feel free to go." I suggested. "I know I've probably just ruined our friendship so we don't need to make the situation any more awkward by you staying when you clearly don't want to."

"It's a lot to take in." She said. "You've just told me you're in love with me, that you have been for years. I need to process this Sophie."

"Like I said, feel free to go."

Sian headed towards the front door and opened it. She looked over her shoulder at me and for a second it looked like she was about to say something but instead she turned back around and left my flat.

Well I certainly hadn't planned on the conversation going that way. The tears which had been threatening to fall since Sian arrived were now spilling freely as I allowed myself to consider the fact that I may have just lost Sian as a friend.

I don't know what I'd do without her. She's always been there for me, through everything. When my parents divorced, she was my shoulder to cry on, she was the ear I bent whenever I had an argument with Rosie. When my granddad died, she came to his funeral with me and held my hand throughout the entire service.

I can't lose her.

I wipe away the tears before laughing slightly to myself. I'm contemplating the prospect of losing Sian from my life but she never said she didn't feel the same.

Maybe she does.

I keep saying to myself that there is a possibility she feels the same although I know she doesn't.

Because I know her better than she knows herself.

Sian had come back to my flat about fifteen minutes ago after disappearing for two hours. She walked through the door without waiting for me to invite her in. She kept muttering sentences under her breath but she wouldn't look directly at me. She wouldn't speak to me directly. I let her pace the living room because it was what she needed to do. I took a seat and waited for her to speak.

I've never really notice how agonising a silence can be.

"You shouldn't have told me."

I turned to look at Sian as she spoke. She stood awkwardly in the corner, ignoring the free seat beside me. "I didn't plan on telling you, it just came out." I explained. "I managed to keep it a secret for quite some time; I would have kept that going had you not mentioned kids."

Sian scoffed. "So it's my fault?"

"I didn't say that."

Sian sniffed before wiping her eyes. "I can't get my head around this."

"Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me that you had no idea I had any feelings for you?" I asked. "Did you never even contemplate the possibility that maybe I had a crush on you?"

"No." Sian admitted, a pink tinge filling her cheeks. "I just thought we were friends. I thought you were my best friend."

"I am."

"But you want more." Sian said. "You always have. How can we go back to the way we were when I know that you're not happy?"

"I've managed for years." I sniffed hard before nervously playing with my fingers. I was about to ask the question that had plagued my mind for years. "Do you…do you feel anything for me?"

Sian's eyes met mine instantly and I could see her swallow. I guess I have my answer. "I've never thought about you like that." Sian confessed. "I'm happy Sophie."

"Yeah, happy and married." I said. "Don't I know it?"

Sian grabbed my hand and held onto it a little tighter when I tried to pull away. "I love you Sophie …but…only as a friend."

I closed my eyes at her rejection. I knew she didn't love me in that way but actually hearing her say it was something else. I shrugged away from her touch. "Can you go?"

"What?"

"Just go before we ruin our friendship beyond repair."

Sian looked at me and her eyes held nothing but sympathy. "Please don't act like this."

"I told you I was in love with you. We can't just shove that under the carpet Sian, it's out there and you're never going to forget it." I said. "So you're going to act differently around me now and we both know it so just do us both a favour and go."

"You've been my friend for ten years Sophie."

"Yeah and I've been in love with you for nine."

When I looked up at Sian she was crying. She leant forward and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I wish I felt the same Sophie because it would be an honour to be your girlfriend."

"Don't patronise me."

"I'm not." Sian said, the tears hitting her jeans as they fell. "I can't help the fact that I love William."

"I know." I said sadly. "Just like I can't help the way I feel."

"We can still be friends Sophie, there's nothing we can't get through." Sian said. "We'll be fine."

It's amazing how three words can change everything. The tension can shift in the blink of eye as a result of three words. Unfortunately, the three words which hung in the air like a nasty smell which wouldn't disappear weren't the classic three little words. They weren't words of love but instead the exact opposite.

"No we won't."

Sometimes when I look at her I wonder what if? What if she had reciprocated my feelings? What if she had left her husband for me? But there's no point in wondering what if because you can't change the past.

The only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes.

Instead of thinking about what you didn't do, you should think about what you did do.

But is that ever possible? I mean surely what you did is a result of what you didn't do. I can't stop thinking about what would have had happened if I had been the one who married Sian. I wonder what would have happened if our friendship hadn't been destroyed beyond repair.

After confessing to her I knew that things would never be the same again. At first we did try to get things back to normal but my feelings for her always lingered and we both knew it. My feelings for her ended up being a curse rather than a blessing and slowly we grew apart.

I've spent my life watching from the side lines as she has lived her life with her boyfriend turned husband, all the time thinking how different everything would be if she reciprocated my feelings.

But I guess with unrequited love, all you have to fall back on is what if?


End file.
